My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
A friend and I were just touching upon this today, and I guess made me want to do a rant here, considering it has been a long period of time since this blog has been updated. I never forgot about it, I just have been busy trying to catch up on schoolwork and blinded by many things on the side. Regardless.
I used to make fun of the Friendzone, constantly read up on it thanks to the internet, and the world of 9gag and such. I guess its not really a good thing and start believing it, clearly not paying attention that most people who claim to be in the friendzone are guys who rarely ever go out to meet people and step out of their comfort zones. To be honest, I could relate to the whole friendzone concept, probably because I was one of those people who rarely stepped out into the world and socialized with other people.
I was literally raised in a very dangerous neighbourhood, where robberies and gang fights occurred often, and I wasn't even in the most dangerous part of the city. I was never allowed to go out and socialize with any of the kids in the neighbourhood. My mother called them bad influences who were almost barbaric and the only time I was allowed to go out was with my dad only to go to the park, riding on my bicycle. Beyond that I learned how to stay at home, read endless amounts of books and rarely ever talk to anyone except the friends I made at school or the occasional birthday parties. I never was allowed out of my house at night until I was invited to my first sleepover party which was in grade 6. For most girls, that is considerably late because when you were little you'd probably play dress up, paint your nails and start singing girly songs with a hairbrush to the mirror. (haha this is probably not true, but was portrayed by WAY too many movies). That was probably the beginning of the quiet shelled up life I had.
I guess from that beginning, I didn't really know how to place myself in the world. My parents and my sister had many friends, and I was the little girl on the side hiding behind people trying to busy myself so it seems like I'm not left out of whatever conversation and it'll be okay. Even sometimes when I tried to fit myself into a conversation it just gets too awkward and the main participants were ignoring me anyway. That carried on with me for life. Whenever I'm placed in a situation where I don't know anyone, I whip out my phone, start fiddling with it. Notes, games, texts come out but half the time I"m not even writing anything. I only do that so that I calm myself from the scary world and the fear of being alone. As long as I busy myself I'm okay with being alone when in reality I'm afraid of being alone.
Anyway getting off topic.
I feel like friendzones are a safe place. You probably have feelings for them but feel fairly to very uncomfortable with taking the next step (aka RELATIONSHIP). If someone likes you enough, and understands you well enough shouldn't they be okay with being in the friendzone? To me, its almost like as long as you're my friend, we'll never leave each other, whereas with a relationship once everything goes downhill and disappears, you're all alone again. Sad, upset, lonely. Some people don't understand that concept I guess, constantly wanting to rush into a relationship prior to any knowledge whatsoever about the other. I don't mean the superficial things like their perfume or whatever, its the inside that counts; the personality. Especially at clubs and such, its always just a hookup. But when you ask for a girl's or guy's number, what are you trying to do? Clearly its something more than just a hookup, but its hard considering the first time you meet them you're not sober or at your best. So it makes me wonder about those relationships as well.
Do they even last?
Wow I trailed far from friendzone.
2:20 AM
Monday, August 20, 2012
Its almost been a year since the ordeal, and though I still talk about it, does not mean I am weak. It also does not mean I wish I could rewind time and recreate those moments. To me, it is a constant reminder of what anyone is capable of - love. The purest and selfless thing we could give to others, and hope for it in return. Once I have experienced that, I feel that no matter where I am right now, I wish I could feel that strong connection with someone. It was never an easy thing to have, and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to let go of.
My attempts at finding someone to love me for who I am has become more difficult everyday. I am not the easiest to love, there are so many constraints on me because I am always scared of something. Scared of being hurt, scared no one would understand me. Despite the fact I may be seeing someone, that someone does not understand half the things that come out of my mouth. In his eyes, I am not worthy, and perhaps even a leech or annoying. The things we want are mutual, except here's the catch - we cannot do what is expected. I talked to my dad about relationships, and obviously if there was something there, we would have been "blindly in love" and be going through the honeymoon phase. There are no such things as the honeymoon phase for me. All I feel is despair, depression, and constant anger. Sometimes I wish I could go up to someone - ANYONE and just hug them to feel as second of warmth. The place where I have been is so cold, so lonely and I am in an act where everything is cool.
There is so much I cannot say, and when I can, I will. I cannot single someone out because it is against rules, and anything can be and will be used against me. I just hope I can reach out to someone, to have them hear my story. There are more tragedies out there, but here's mine. The most epic thing of it all... I want to go back to the church. Everything I have done for the past year, nothing has ever comforted me more than being in a church, praying state of mind. No one can judge me, no one can make me feel worthless, and I feel so calm. Like someone understands me fully.
All I want is understanding. Comfort, a friend when its needed. A shoulder to cry on when its a hard day. I need magic.
7:37 PM
Friday, June 08, 2012
After to listening to Maroon 5 songs, it felt right to blog about my feelings prior to studying.
I feel like a slacker, not trying in anything - relationships or even academics. I'm a lost cause, constantly dreaming
10:37 AM
15 November 2011
Life by myself... part one.
It still seems lonely, despite the fact its almost been only 2 months. As if time is slowly ticking away, but I seem to be unable to move on. A part of me is afraid to move on, but I have no choice but to. I take so many steps forward, only to fall back. Not completely to the point I'm at the beginning stages, but enough to never forget the sadness. But then again, its not easy to forget.
10:36 AM
We've all loved, and we have all lost at least once in our lives.
Why should I be any different?
IN a sense I always believed that we would stay together forever, and perhaps be able to fix all the cracks in our lives with each other. All I needed was your love, because it took me places I've never been, showed me that I was more than I believed to be. You showed me how to become stronger. My only weakness was you.
All those are just fond memories now. Now, those are thigns that I aim to become once again. Show the world I'm unafraid, and that I would never forget you. But then again, how can you forget someone who was so perfect, who helped you grow?
I'll never forget the kind gestures, from chicken noodle soup to the care kit. Things like that still make me cry,
10:36 AM
It feels like I has been ages since my last post.
But perhaps it has been eons.
I just didn't know what to type, how to relay my feelings and emotions, knowing somewhere out there someone was reading. Mostly, I am afraid they find this blog and read all my thoughts.
But now, I'm not as afraid as I used to be. Perhaps due to all these shortcomings, and each person and event I encounter makes me stronger and able to make more rational choices, unafraid of what others think or believe.
Obviously the simplicity of life is slowly fading, but the idea of simplicity still lives stronger than before. It becomes more and more something unattainable, because of life and every other drama our minds can come up with.
I believed in love. I still do, knowing it is somewhere out there waiting to be found. What I thought was love, or the slightest thing closest is not what it seems. It is full of deceit, lies, and too many empty promises. Either that, or it becomes something fully deviated from the plan, from what many yearn for. Everyday that could have been full of happiness and love turns into frustration and endless arguments. If love means that, I would rather not be a part of it.
I have always said what I believed others wanted me to say, and did things that were expected of me. With this, I become so detached from myself and what I believed in, living in denial from the day I comply to their wishes. In the end, I only get hurt. So this time, I hope to firmly resolve and become a person who is stronger, and unafraid of every single little thing.
Starting with him. I have two days left to leave him hanging, although we have already said our goodbyes. I thought it might be love, but its just me desperately trying to keep my friend. Without him, I would be lonely at work, no one to talk to because many believe something is happening between us. A part of me wishes I could love again, like how I was with Tom, but a part of me I can't lead a guy who is so smitten with me on. It is unfair, and cruel, and is not who I am, and I will never succumb to such treachery. Therefore, it must end despite the fact our friendship will simultaneously diminish.
Oh well. Wish me luck, and hope that I will not fall back into old habits.
10:36 AM
Friday, April 06, 2012
As more days go by, the more I'm alone, the more I realize more about myself.
When I was with you, I was so unhappy, I began to make you look more superior, and I started degrading myself. I thought I was not better than you, or even equal. I felt lowly, and dumb. I relied on you for everything, I began to glorify you.
I was so clueless, so thoughtless about my actions. I credited you for everything good that occurred when in reality, when something good happened to me, you showed me what I was capable of, with or without you.
Now that I am alone and searching for myself, sure there are many who marvel at my personality though at times I begin to degrade myself. Unfortunately, I have come across so many of these times I cannot bring myself to let go of the past, to find someone new to support me. I am still scared of how I turned out from our relationship. It may be from opening myself too much for my own comfort, or believing in an illusion that we will be together forever. We're still together though, but only in our memories that will be revisited every so often. You still bring a smile, a tear to my eyes, but knowing you are happy with someone else, I have hope for myself that I could be just as happy as I once was.
I learned that I am getting stronger as each day passes by. I rely on myself more than ever, and I feel less dumb. I accomplished more in a year and felt good about it, more than I ever was with you. I know my flaws and weaknesses, and I know that no one can help me but myself. Sure, there are people I turn to for happy and sad moments, they keep me grounded and are a reminder of non-judgmental friends, support for me whenever I need it or not.
I hope to eventually prove to not only myself that what I used to be is no more. All the thoughts of suicide and sadness is gone. After being in love it makes you stronger than you seem or believe. It just took a long time to realize that some people appear in your life for a reason, and it takes time to see their significance.
If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is
something you must always remember. You are braver than
you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you
think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart..
I'll always be with you.
-A.A. Milne
Thank you for everything you taught me
12:58 PM
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Maybe its time to put our ring to rest.
Been holding on to it too much, makes me feel comfortable with the memories we had, that someone would still walk by my side... who wouldn't judge my actions no matter how bad or psychotic I can get. Its all just in my head, almost as if my mental health is slowly deteriorating before my very eyes.
She's pretty. You both look happy, and I honestly haven't seen your eyes with that much sparkle is such a long time. I know you don't pay attention to this blog anymore, and I need a place to vocalize my thoughts, to drown in them, because if I keep holding it all in, the more ill I'll become, as if I'm not doing that enough.
I've been trying to get skinnier. Can you tell? I'm not trying hard to look pretty anymore, I'm trying to find a comfortable place for me to cry, to destroy myself. I'm constantly looking down upon myself, and no matter what others say, nothing can get me up. Not even the thought of you yelling at me helps anymore. I know its just me, in this all alone although there are others who care.
But I don't care anymore. Numbing all my emotions, so I don't feel hurt except for whatever I inflict on myself. I'm trying not to be bitter, because I let you go because I had no force to stop you. I wasn't strong enough.
No matter how sorry I'll be for the rest of this life, I know that you'd be happy, that you'd treat her and she'll hopefully treat you better than I ever will. As long as you're happy, the further I'll retreat into this "happy bubble" of mine that I've created from hurt, from fear.
Because that's all i've reduced myself to. Because of the inability to forgive myself, not because of you. You just let me go. I caused this neverending hole of darkness.
Watch it eat me alive.
4:59 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Well, it has been a while. What have I not posted?
I fell in love with Tom almost 2 years ago, and for once, the feelings are feeling wavered. It might be perhaps the change of university, since we both lead different lives. He did say that he wanted to not go on any further. Sometimes I wondered why I was strongly against this, considering the emotions I feel now might as well kill me as this relationship continues.
I just saw him yesterday past a really difficult week. His transition seems to be so smooth its flawless. But at the same time, it is almost as if I'm just someone he uses to receive pleasure or just anything in general. He keeps saying he loves me but beyond that, the everyday conversations turn less frequent, and less substance. Instead, I feel this void inbetween and I get sad and upset, considering that he has to lie to me just to attempt to make me happy but in return make me even more sad.
I feel like I'm struggling inside, and he doesn't understand me. I still love him, and when we're together everything is the same like before, but whenever the sun comes up, the Thomas I fell in love with seems to disappear with the night. In his place, a guy who seems to be unable to keep his priorities, and I always end up getting hurt.
There hasn't been a time this week where my eyes stayed relatively dry from tears. It always falls, and I have cried myself to sleep countless times to a point I don't remember a night where I haven't done so.
He promised so much, and now it feels like those promises are becoming more and more empty.
1:37 PM
Thursday, April 28, 2011
More recently, I have become more unable to focus on anything.
The more I start thinking about everything, the more scattered my thoughts become.
In a way, I feel like I'm forgetting more, or i'm adding way too much pressure on myself. I've become someone I am not proud of, but also not ashamed of. I wish I could change who I have become, but its impossible. The more I look back, the more tainted and flawed it becomes. It wasn't pleasant, and the road to become who I am was a long and difficult and regretful journey. In a sense, I have gotten worse, with so much paranoia and denial and indecisiveness, it makes me worried about everything.
The whole idea of this blog is to prevent stalking from strangers, and also to to prevent any of my words to be used against me, although that happens quite often when I'm in denial.
Back to chemistry i go... :P
8:11 PM
Saturday, December 22, 2012
A friend and I were just touching upon this today, and I guess made me want to do a rant here, considering it has been a long period of time since this blog has been updated. I never forgot about it, I just have been busy trying to catch up on schoolwork and blinded by many things on the side. Regardless.
I used to make fun of the Friendzone, constantly read up on it thanks to the internet, and the world of 9gag and such. I guess its not really a good thing and start believing it, clearly not paying attention that most people who claim to be in the friendzone are guys who rarely ever go out to meet people and step out of their comfort zones. To be honest, I could relate to the whole friendzone concept, probably because I was one of those people who rarely stepped out into the world and socialized with other people.
I was literally raised in a very dangerous neighbourhood, where robberies and gang fights occurred often, and I wasn't even in the most dangerous part of the city. I was never allowed to go out and socialize with any of the kids in the neighbourhood. My mother called them bad influences who were almost barbaric and the only time I was allowed to go out was with my dad only to go to the park, riding on my bicycle. Beyond that I learned how to stay at home, read endless amounts of books and rarely ever talk to anyone except the friends I made at school or the occasional birthday parties. I never was allowed out of my house at night until I was invited to my first sleepover party which was in grade 6. For most girls, that is considerably late because when you were little you'd probably play dress up, paint your nails and start singing girly songs with a hairbrush to the mirror. (haha this is probably not true, but was portrayed by WAY too many movies). That was probably the beginning of the quiet shelled up life I had.
I guess from that beginning, I didn't really know how to place myself in the world. My parents and my sister had many friends, and I was the little girl on the side hiding behind people trying to busy myself so it seems like I'm not left out of whatever conversation and it'll be okay. Even sometimes when I tried to fit myself into a conversation it just gets too awkward and the main participants were ignoring me anyway. That carried on with me for life. Whenever I'm placed in a situation where I don't know anyone, I whip out my phone, start fiddling with it. Notes, games, texts come out but half the time I"m not even writing anything. I only do that so that I calm myself from the scary world and the fear of being alone. As long as I busy myself I'm okay with being alone when in reality I'm afraid of being alone.
Anyway getting off topic.
I feel like friendzones are a safe place. You probably have feelings for them but feel fairly to very uncomfortable with taking the next step (aka RELATIONSHIP). If someone likes you enough, and understands you well enough shouldn't they be okay with being in the friendzone? To me, its almost like as long as you're my friend, we'll never leave each other, whereas with a relationship once everything goes downhill and disappears, you're all alone again. Sad, upset, lonely. Some people don't understand that concept I guess, constantly wanting to rush into a relationship prior to any knowledge whatsoever about the other. I don't mean the superficial things like their perfume or whatever, its the inside that counts; the personality. Especially at clubs and such, its always just a hookup. But when you ask for a girl's or guy's number, what are you trying to do? Clearly its something more than just a hookup, but its hard considering the first time you meet them you're not sober or at your best. So it makes me wonder about those relationships as well.
Do they even last?
Wow I trailed far from friendzone.
2:20 AM
Monday, August 20, 2012
Its almost been a year since the ordeal, and though I still talk about it, does not mean I am weak. It also does not mean I wish I could rewind time and recreate those moments. To me, it is a constant reminder of what anyone is capable of - love. The purest and selfless thing we could give to others, and hope for it in return. Once I have experienced that, I feel that no matter where I am right now, I wish I could feel that strong connection with someone. It was never an easy thing to have, and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to let go of.
My attempts at finding someone to love me for who I am has become more difficult everyday. I am not the easiest to love, there are so many constraints on me because I am always scared of something. Scared of being hurt, scared no one would understand me. Despite the fact I may be seeing someone, that someone does not understand half the things that come out of my mouth. In his eyes, I am not worthy, and perhaps even a leech or annoying. The things we want are mutual, except here's the catch - we cannot do what is expected. I talked to my dad about relationships, and obviously if there was something there, we would have been "blindly in love" and be going through the honeymoon phase. There are no such things as the honeymoon phase for me. All I feel is despair, depression, and constant anger. Sometimes I wish I could go up to someone - ANYONE and just hug them to feel as second of warmth. The place where I have been is so cold, so lonely and I am in an act where everything is cool.
There is so much I cannot say, and when I can, I will. I cannot single someone out because it is against rules, and anything can be and will be used against me. I just hope I can reach out to someone, to have them hear my story. There are more tragedies out there, but here's mine. The most epic thing of it all... I want to go back to the church. Everything I have done for the past year, nothing has ever comforted me more than being in a church, praying state of mind. No one can judge me, no one can make me feel worthless, and I feel so calm. Like someone understands me fully.
All I want is understanding. Comfort, a friend when its needed. A shoulder to cry on when its a hard day. I need magic.
7:37 PM
Friday, June 08, 2012
After to listening to Maroon 5 songs, it felt right to blog about my feelings prior to studying.
I feel like a slacker, not trying in anything - relationships or even academics. I'm a lost cause, constantly dreaming
10:37 AM
15 November 2011
Life by myself... part one.
It still seems lonely, despite the fact its almost been only 2 months. As if time is slowly ticking away, but I seem to be unable to move on. A part of me is afraid to move on, but I have no choice but to. I take so many steps forward, only to fall back. Not completely to the point I'm at the beginning stages, but enough to never forget the sadness. But then again, its not easy to forget.
10:36 AM
We've all loved, and we have all lost at least once in our lives.
Why should I be any different?
IN a sense I always believed that we would stay together forever, and perhaps be able to fix all the cracks in our lives with each other. All I needed was your love, because it took me places I've never been, showed me that I was more than I believed to be. You showed me how to become stronger. My only weakness was you.
All those are just fond memories now. Now, those are thigns that I aim to become once again. Show the world I'm unafraid, and that I would never forget you. But then again, how can you forget someone who was so perfect, who helped you grow?
I'll never forget the kind gestures, from chicken noodle soup to the care kit. Things like that still make me cry,
10:36 AM
It feels like I has been ages since my last post.
But perhaps it has been eons.
I just didn't know what to type, how to relay my feelings and emotions, knowing somewhere out there someone was reading. Mostly, I am afraid they find this blog and read all my thoughts.
But now, I'm not as afraid as I used to be. Perhaps due to all these shortcomings, and each person and event I encounter makes me stronger and able to make more rational choices, unafraid of what others think or believe.
Obviously the simplicity of life is slowly fading, but the idea of simplicity still lives stronger than before. It becomes more and more something unattainable, because of life and every other drama our minds can come up with.
I believed in love. I still do, knowing it is somewhere out there waiting to be found. What I thought was love, or the slightest thing closest is not what it seems. It is full of deceit, lies, and too many empty promises. Either that, or it becomes something fully deviated from the plan, from what many yearn for. Everyday that could have been full of happiness and love turns into frustration and endless arguments. If love means that, I would rather not be a part of it.
I have always said what I believed others wanted me to say, and did things that were expected of me. With this, I become so detached from myself and what I believed in, living in denial from the day I comply to their wishes. In the end, I only get hurt. So this time, I hope to firmly resolve and become a person who is stronger, and unafraid of every single little thing.
Starting with him. I have two days left to leave him hanging, although we have already said our goodbyes. I thought it might be love, but its just me desperately trying to keep my friend. Without him, I would be lonely at work, no one to talk to because many believe something is happening between us. A part of me wishes I could love again, like how I was with Tom, but a part of me I can't lead a guy who is so smitten with me on. It is unfair, and cruel, and is not who I am, and I will never succumb to such treachery. Therefore, it must end despite the fact our friendship will simultaneously diminish.
Oh well. Wish me luck, and hope that I will not fall back into old habits.
10:36 AM
Friday, April 06, 2012
As more days go by, the more I'm alone, the more I realize more about myself.
When I was with you, I was so unhappy, I began to make you look more superior, and I started degrading myself. I thought I was not better than you, or even equal. I felt lowly, and dumb. I relied on you for everything, I began to glorify you.
I was so clueless, so thoughtless about my actions. I credited you for everything good that occurred when in reality, when something good happened to me, you showed me what I was capable of, with or without you.
Now that I am alone and searching for myself, sure there are many who marvel at my personality though at times I begin to degrade myself. Unfortunately, I have come across so many of these times I cannot bring myself to let go of the past, to find someone new to support me. I am still scared of how I turned out from our relationship. It may be from opening myself too much for my own comfort, or believing in an illusion that we will be together forever. We're still together though, but only in our memories that will be revisited every so often. You still bring a smile, a tear to my eyes, but knowing you are happy with someone else, I have hope for myself that I could be just as happy as I once was.
I learned that I am getting stronger as each day passes by. I rely on myself more than ever, and I feel less dumb. I accomplished more in a year and felt good about it, more than I ever was with you. I know my flaws and weaknesses, and I know that no one can help me but myself. Sure, there are people I turn to for happy and sad moments, they keep me grounded and are a reminder of non-judgmental friends, support for me whenever I need it or not.
I hope to eventually prove to not only myself that what I used to be is no more. All the thoughts of suicide and sadness is gone. After being in love it makes you stronger than you seem or believe. It just took a long time to realize that some people appear in your life for a reason, and it takes time to see their significance.
If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is
something you must always remember. You are braver than
you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you
think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart..
I'll always be with you.
-A.A. Milne
Thank you for everything you taught me
12:58 PM
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Maybe its time to put our ring to rest.
Been holding on to it too much, makes me feel comfortable with the memories we had, that someone would still walk by my side... who wouldn't judge my actions no matter how bad or psychotic I can get. Its all just in my head, almost as if my mental health is slowly deteriorating before my very eyes.
She's pretty. You both look happy, and I honestly haven't seen your eyes with that much sparkle is such a long time. I know you don't pay attention to this blog anymore, and I need a place to vocalize my thoughts, to drown in them, because if I keep holding it all in, the more ill I'll become, as if I'm not doing that enough.
I've been trying to get skinnier. Can you tell? I'm not trying hard to look pretty anymore, I'm trying to find a comfortable place for me to cry, to destroy myself. I'm constantly looking down upon myself, and no matter what others say, nothing can get me up. Not even the thought of you yelling at me helps anymore. I know its just me, in this all alone although there are others who care.
But I don't care anymore. Numbing all my emotions, so I don't feel hurt except for whatever I inflict on myself. I'm trying not to be bitter, because I let you go because I had no force to stop you. I wasn't strong enough.
No matter how sorry I'll be for the rest of this life, I know that you'd be happy, that you'd treat her and she'll hopefully treat you better than I ever will. As long as you're happy, the further I'll retreat into this "happy bubble" of mine that I've created from hurt, from fear.
Because that's all i've reduced myself to. Because of the inability to forgive myself, not because of you. You just let me go. I caused this neverending hole of darkness.
Watch it eat me alive.
4:59 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Well, it has been a while. What have I not posted?
I fell in love with Tom almost 2 years ago, and for once, the feelings are feeling wavered. It might be perhaps the change of university, since we both lead different lives. He did say that he wanted to not go on any further. Sometimes I wondered why I was strongly against this, considering the emotions I feel now might as well kill me as this relationship continues.
I just saw him yesterday past a really difficult week. His transition seems to be so smooth its flawless. But at the same time, it is almost as if I'm just someone he uses to receive pleasure or just anything in general. He keeps saying he loves me but beyond that, the everyday conversations turn less frequent, and less substance. Instead, I feel this void inbetween and I get sad and upset, considering that he has to lie to me just to attempt to make me happy but in return make me even more sad.
I feel like I'm struggling inside, and he doesn't understand me. I still love him, and when we're together everything is the same like before, but whenever the sun comes up, the Thomas I fell in love with seems to disappear with the night. In his place, a guy who seems to be unable to keep his priorities, and I always end up getting hurt.
There hasn't been a time this week where my eyes stayed relatively dry from tears. It always falls, and I have cried myself to sleep countless times to a point I don't remember a night where I haven't done so.
He promised so much, and now it feels like those promises are becoming more and more empty.
1:37 PM
Thursday, April 28, 2011
More recently, I have become more unable to focus on anything.
The more I start thinking about everything, the more scattered my thoughts become.
In a way, I feel like I'm forgetting more, or i'm adding way too much pressure on myself. I've become someone I am not proud of, but also not ashamed of. I wish I could change who I have become, but its impossible. The more I look back, the more tainted and flawed it becomes. It wasn't pleasant, and the road to become who I am was a long and difficult and regretful journey. In a sense, I have gotten worse, with so much paranoia and denial and indecisiveness, it makes me worried about everything.
The whole idea of this blog is to prevent stalking from strangers, and also to to prevent any of my words to be used against me, although that happens quite often when I'm in denial.
Back to chemistry i go... :P
8:11 PM
